THE CRIMES OF BOBBY BEALE

If Bobby Beale would have done what he did 50 years ago like pushing people down the stairs and murder he would have ended up in an approved school where he would have received 50 strokes of the cane.                                                                                                                   
He could have even been whacked with a dog's tail.

One such approved school, High Drummond's School of Correction, was very strict in discipline and boys who tried to knock off the headmaster's head or escape would have likely ended up being caned whilst strapped to the ceiling and strung from a wire, and that's the thing that would have happened to Bobby Beale if he had committed the crimes that he committed 50 years ago.

Bobby Beale once kicked over the Houses of Parliament, so hard that they fell into the River Thames. That even happened whilst the government were holding a debate. Luckily a fisherman happened to be at close hand and fished out the Houses of Parliament, but, one thing the politicians had to have the their bodies pumped out after water got inside their bodies when a mad Bobby Beale pushed the Houses of Parliament over into the River Thames. Hadn't the fisherman been present no one would have survived as the Houses of Parliament got filled up with water when Bobby Beale pushed them into the River Thames.
Next, various members of government were holding a debate in deciding what to do with Bobby Beale. They knew that he killed Lucy and pushed his mother down the stairs, and even fired shots at the moon killing it instantly, labelling him ' Moon Killer '. Since then people have had to put up with the fact that the moon can't shine anymore because it no longer exists after Bobby Beale killed it when he used a machine gun to fire shots at it.
Bobby Beale not only killed Lucy he even murdered the moon by firing shots at it with a machine gun.

The actions of Bobby Beale have led to people calling for Approved Schools to be brought back. In this way Bobby Beale would get what for.

DINING ROOM MAYHEM

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Once upon a time there lived a man in Birdnest Lodge called Jim Bow 'n' Arrow. He was always causing trouble, shouting and bawling, and on one occasion chucked all his chips at one of the staff and at another tenant in the dining room all because he couldn't get his own way.

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"Any more of that Mr Bow 'n 'Arrow, and you go up to your room.

"You don't pepper other people with your food, chucking every bit about, you're just upsetting everyone else."


Jim Bow 'n 'Arrow was a troublemaker, and on one occasion tried to flush Bill Stickers down the toilet. He was caught by Miss Vinegar Bread and chucked outside into the car park. Once outside he went absolutely berserk and chucked a brick through the office window.

Delrosa Custard, one of the staff who happened to be working in the office at the time had to duck just as the brick flew through the window. It did of cause hit a computer causing instant death. The computer's parents were informed and Jim Bow and Arrow got sent to a disability prison where he was sentenced for a month. Once released he was sent home, but had to remain in his flat segregated from the other tenants because he was a difficult tenant to deal with, and the next time he vandalises he will end up in Cry Bostic Mental Health Unit at the Cry Bostic Mental Hospital in Bodily Drive, Chigwell.



Even at school Jim Bow 'n' Arrow caused trouble, such as the incident at Great Stumblex Secondary Modern School in Meads Lane when he knocked off the head of one of the teachers all because he told him not to eat the school desk. The ruffian then chucked the head out of the window, but the head bounced back and jumped back into the classroom through the classroom window. The head (the teacher's head which was knocked off by a mad boy) flew around the class just as the teacher was trying to put it back onto his own body.


Even though the teacher had no head after Jim Bow 'n' Arrow knocked it off in one of his mad turns that didn't stop him from charging at the boy. The headless teacher then grabbed the boy, and to teach him a lesson took off his head, arms and legs and chucked them out of the window.

All that was left of the boy was his torso. the torso went mad and tried to avenge the teacher for dismembering him, but was stopped by Gary Eggman, the teacher's right hand man.

The body parts that belonged to the boy flew back in through the classroom window and tried to re - join the boy after he was reduced to a torso that now had a life of it's own - that mean's that it can move on it's own accord without the body parts that were taken from it.

Just as the arms, legs and head tried to install themselves back onto the boy's body - now a torso, they were stopped from doing so by Mr Bomb, the teacher whose head got knocked off by a boy during one of his mad fits. But, just as he tried to chuck the boy's arms, legs and head out of the window after they flew back in they just went for the teacher and hit him. In fact the boy's head flew up the teacher's chest and bit a hole in it.The head then flew into the inside of the teacher's body and kicked his lungs out. the lungs landed on the floor and, what happened, a bird flew into the classroom through the window and started to feast on the lungs that were lying on the floor, the lungs that got kicked out of a man's chest cavity inside his own body by a mad human head.

Jim Bow 'n' Arrow, the boy who got reduced to a torso with a life of it's own after the teacher dismantled him tried to reclaim the missing parts of his body, but was stopped by Nigel Teabag, one of the prefects.

Once the boy had learnt his lesson not to knock peoples' heads off then he could have his body parts returned to his own body and rebuilt after being reduced to a live torso by Mr Bomb, a teacher in Jim Bow 'n' Arrow's class.

After five hours the boy had his arms legs and head fixed back onto his body making him a complete person once more, and what about the teacher's lungs which got eaten up by a bird after being kicked out of the teacher's body by a mad human head?

Of cause the teacher would have to buy himself a new pair of lungs in the body shop because they stock human body parts.

In the end mad Jim Bow 'n 'Arrow got expelled and excluded from every school right up to the end of his schooldays.

THE THREE COURSE MEAL AT SPECTRUM HOUSE DAY CENTRE

A man had ordered a three course meal, but had to carry the entire three course set on his head as no trays were available, but this could burn him, so to protect his head he to was given a tea towel by one of the staff which he would put on top of his head.
 
Because he had to carry his entire three course meal set on his head, soup, main course and afters there was the real danger that it could all fall off his head whilst making his way to the pay desk, so he had to hold them up with his hands and how hot it was.
 
After he had paid the man got one of the staff to carry the three course meal to the table, using a carrier dog -  a dog carrying a three course meal on it's back to the table.
 
There, in front of the man was a reserved table, reserved for members of Micky Den Day Centre.
 
As the man was about to tuck in to his grub something moved. It was the meat on his plate. It started to scream as the man was about cut it up with the knife. In fact, it was alive, and, to make matters worse, a piece of the meat jumped up to his face and bit him. He let out a yell, this frightened the dinner. The dinner tried to escape, but couldn't because it was dead.
 
Ann Ketchup, the woman  who was running the Micky Den group on the table had to summon one of the cooks about the meat that went mad and bit one of it's members.
 
Apparently the meat wasn't slaughtered properly in the a abattoir, but was safe to eat, the only trouble being that that the meat was disturbed by the man slicing it with a knife and it bit him.
 
The mad meat had to be incinerated so it shouldn't attack anyone else.
 
In compensation the man had his dinner changed.
The chef brought along to him another meal to make up for the mayhem that was caused by a rogue dinner.
 
The incident described above wasn't the only disaster for there was the case of the man - eating potatoes discovered on a plate as a day centre user was trying to eat his dinner.
What happened was that, as the user was trying to eat his meal the potatoes turned on him and devoured him. The man - eating potatoes then went on the rampage gobbling everyone up, staff included.
 
All hell broke loose as person after person was devoured by the carnivorous potatoes. The potatoes then burst into the manager's office, but as she tried to defend herself they turned on her and ate her.
Before long the centre was completely devoid of people.
The man - eating potatoes had devoured them all, the whole lot of them.
 
At 3pm it was time for the day centre users to go home. The driver had to ring the bell on the door, but got no answer, but, just as he was about to get out his mobile phone and make a call the man -  eating potatoes, burst though the window and started top chase him. Ina mad rush he got on the bus and  slammed the door as the potatoes were trying to barge their way in and drove off, with the potatoes following him. All of a sudden the mad potatoes smashed their way into the  bus through the window and devoured the driver. As a result the bus crashed. Luckily one of the police happened to be walking down the street. He got out his gun and tried to kill the man -  eating potatoes, but they went for him just the same and made a meal of him. Luckily the school kids happened to be coming out of school as it was home time for they witnessed the man - eating  potatoes  gobbling up the policeman and had to call the army on their mobiles, but, before they could do anything the potatoes started to chase them and ran like mad, but, unfortunately the man - eating potatoes pounced on one of  the kids and ate him.
In a mad rush the rest of them ran out into Woodford Avenue. Luckily the army was there. They got out their machine guns as the potatoes tried to eat the pupils and opened fire, but even the guns were no match for the army. The potatoes pounced them and in no time the entire army had been eaten. The school kids then ran like mad and got on the bus in a scramble to get away from the man - eating potatoes. The potatoes then went for someone else.
 
The bus driver had to drive as fast as possible in a desperate rush to get away from the man - eating potatoes.
 
The driver had to phone the army  and police and a curfew was applied where everyone had to remain indoors and not allowed out on the streets until the potatoes were caught and killed before they could eat anyone else.
 
Once indoors the street door had to be locked and furniture put against the door so that the  man  - eating potatoes couldn't burst into the house and gobble up the occupants.
 
The was one weapon  that could kill the man - eating potatoes - an barbaric acid bomb.
 
The acid bombs were dropped from police helicopters and in an instant killed the potatoes.
 
The reign of terror was over.
 
The mad scientist who was responsible for creating and  engineering the man  - eating potatoes got sent to prison for 50,000 years.
 

TOILET INSTALLED AT BUS STOP AND SHELTER

A toilet has been installed at a bus stop in Surrey, the first of it's kind of a toilet screwed onto a bus shelter. It's a good idea especially when you're caught short whilst waiting for a bus, and there's no toilets nearby. If this is successful more bus stops could end up like this, where people would sit on toilets whilst waiting for a bus, sometimes for a few days.

At present bus people have to make to with ordinary seats at bus shelters whilst waiting for a bus to come along, but, before long, conventional seats could be replaced by bus stop toilets.

WINKER WATNUTS

Winker Watnuts was a schoolboy who attended Greyflowers School, a boarding school in Essex. he had a pal called Tim Snout. Their teacher was Mr Sheep, known as Sheepy, and the headmaster was Billy Mousehole. One day their school was invaded by a phantom burglar who struck in the middle of the night stealing mattresses from boys' beds. As a result they ended up sleeping on just a metal frame as a support, and how hard it was, in fact, so uncomfortable that they had to sleep on the floor.

Winker Watnuts tried to catch the phantom burglar but he vanished into thin air at the bottom of the dormitory, Form 3xx.

The phantom of Greyflowers school not only stole from Winker Watnuts' dormitory, he did the same thing with every dormitory, even the whole school.

The theft of the mattresses was reported to the housemaster of Form 3xx, John Doughnuts. He said that he will have to report this to the headmaster Billy Mousehole.
John Doughuts said:

'Did you see anyone and anything suspicious happening whilst you lot were asleep in your dormitories."

One boy, Winker Watnuts, did reply and said that he saw a shadowy figure of a thief making off with the mattresses.

"You're having me on said the Housemaster, because there's no phantom."

"Honest, said Winker Watnuts, there was, because I actually saw him last night."

"We'll have to investigate, for the sooner that burglar is caught the better."
This matter was reported to the headmaster, who then had to call an assembly in the entrance hall. He said:

"You all know that there has been a spate of burglaries where boys have had mattresses being ripped out from underneath them in their beds leaving them unprotected and lying on top of bed springs. After all who would want to sleep on top of a bed spring, it could cut into the boys bodies. Fortunately they have pyjamas on whilst sleeping which does provide some protection, but not all. I bet there's some phantom mattress stealer prowling around in this school, the sooner he's caught the better. It could be one of the boys."

However none of the boys claimed responsibility. Winker Watnuts told the head that he did see something suspicious in his dormitory in the form of a shadowy being making off with mattresses.

"Don't you lie my boy said the head"
"But, honest, it's true, I did see it."

Tim Snout, Winker's pal said that he also saw the shadowy figure as well as a few other boys in the same dormitory.

The head did however had to send out a search party to catch the phantom of Greyflowers School, but couldn't find him, but later that night the headmaster was woken up by a loud noise. Immediately the door of his bedroom burst open and in walked a mysterious being. He tried to grab the mattress, but in doing so was beaten back by the phantom burglar who then stole his mattress.

"Hey you come back here, "said the head as he gave chase when the shadowy figure made off with the stolen mattress. The head tried to catch him but he vanished into thin air. The headmaster then had to call the police. They came to the school, and with police dogs tried to catch the mysterious phantom burglar that was prowling around the school, but couldn't find any trace of him, and no wonder, the phantom had a secret hideout approached by a panel in one of the walls which opened out into a network of secret passages.
The only people who knew about the existence of the secret passages were Winker Watnuts and his pal Tim Snout. They told the police and the two boys directed them to a panel in the wall which when opened up showed a secret passage. The cops with their dogs then went along this passage and caught sight of a shadowy figure making his way down the passage. The sniffer dogs caught the mysterious burglar and to their surprise found out that it was a boy who had escaped from a borstal. They caught him and the reign of terror was over.

The burglar took a ghostly form to avoid being caught, but was caught in the end when the police went into the secret passages, they then caught up with the phantom burglar and once they had caught him he was then returned to Friar Egg Borstal in the village of Great Pain, Kent.

THE DIAL A RIDE THAT DROPPED ME OFF AT THE WRONG PLACE

One day the Dial a ride that was supposed to take me to Sinclair House instead ended up taking me all the way to a far off country.

What happened was that the dial a ride took the wrong turn and on ending up in Southend drove onto the beach and ended up in the sea.

All of a sudden the dial a ride bus whizzed across the sea dodging  ship after ship and ended up in a far off country. I was seized by police and explained to them that the dial a ride brought me here where it wasn't  supposed to go to.

"I'm arresting you for entering the country that's not your home

"But, it's that dial a ride driver, he took the wrong turn and ended up bring me here.

"Don't argue trespasser, and we know what we do to trespassers, we put them in prison for 80 years".

In the end the dial a ride driver owned up and explained, that it was me, the driver of the bus, who took the wrong turn and ended up bringing that man into this country.

The dial a ride passenger who travelled on the bus was set free and the dial a ride driver put in prison as it was him who illegally brought the man, who got blamed  for something he didn't do, into this country, leading to wrongful imprisonment.

The country was Berclovia, one of the countries in the continent of Brooba, which is in the Atlantic Ocean.

PACKING YOUR CASE FOR AN OVERNIGHT STAY

Once upon a time the time had come for John Bissel to stay at his cousin's home overnight as he had to attend Ruby Wedding's 40th wedding anniversary, so it was decided that John Bissel should pack his weekend case as he was due to stay at his cousin's flat overnight.
The things he packed included his own bathroom as he would need it for changing his stoma bag as soon as he settled in at his cousin's flat for an overnight stay.
He also had to pack a blowtorch for shaving and other items.

To enable John Bissel to pack as many items in his case as possible it was decided that he should shrink them down to Tom Thumb size so he could get them into his case with out any hassle.
To do this he had to pop down to the local shop and buy shrinking powder, he then sprayed it onto the things he needed to pack away and in a jiffy everything was shrunk down to Tom Thumb size.

Mrs Ruby Wedding was one of John Bissel's cousins.
Her husband was Maurice Jacob Wedding.

Ruby Wedding had been married for 40 years and had two and a half children and five and a quarter grandchildren.
She lived in Squire Barnet, London, NXW12.

To mark the occasion Mrs Ruby wedding had a cake made for her which measured 100 yards.
But, how could you bring a cake as big as 100 yards into the hall?

The answer:

Deliver it by aeroplane.

The plane would deliver the cake by climbing in through one of the windows in the big hall, and with a crane, would lower the cake down onto the table.

About 4000 guests turned up at Ruby wedding's 40th wedding anniversary.

The massive cake had a car inside it, plus loads of gifts.
Once these were removed then it was decided to eat the cake, but only after blowing out candles filled with gunpowder, but had to be careful otherwise the candles could explode in your face and knock your head off.

And what happens if your head is knocked off.
The answer is, that you wouldn't be able to eat.

The wedding anniversary went ahead and there was a load of dancing, with some folk ending up dancing on top of dining room tables. Then there was karaoke, where you had to sing, bark, scream and cry to a well known song.

The party went on for five days non stop, this meant that John Bissel had to return home later than usual.